Pink Flamingos Graph

Pink Flamingos Graph

I found this while cleaning off my desktop. Connie Marble knows there are two kinds of people, and it’s pretty obvious which kind of people you are.

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The Egg Thief

Once upon a time this morning a woman jumped in front of me in the cafeteria at work and started filling up an oatmeal container with scrambled eggs from the buffet (.$40 an ounce.) There are little paper clamshell containers for the eggs and other items from the hot buffet, so I wondered why she was using an oatmeal container for scrambled eggs, but decided maybe she liked the shape of the container better, or something like that. I then went to get coffee, and happened to be behind her when she checked out. I looked at her oatmeal container, which she did not place on the scale to be weighed, and wondered when she would do so.

“Is that a coffee refill?” the woman at the register asked, and the woman replied, “Yes…and an oatmeal.” I was so startled that I couldn’t think what to say. I was tempted to bust her right there and say “But that’s full of eggs!” I hope she is an intern because I can’t think why a paid employee would cheat her own employer in order to pay $1.70 for a “container of oatmeal” instead of what would probably have been about $4 for eggs.

I didn’t bust her but I went upstairs to my floor and told everyone nearby about the egg thief. And then I ate my own eggs, which I had paid for IN FULL. And now I’ve told you. THE END.

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New York Versus Los Angeles: Key Differences

New York

Los Angeles

Theater

Every Broadway show ever produced

Val Kilmer is Moses in “The Ten Commandments: The Musical”

Quaint Religious Groups That Add Local Color

Taxi cab drivers praying on small portable mats on the sidewalk 5 times a day, Hassidic men in the Diamond District, Hassidic women wearing berets in the Loehmann’s on 16th and 7th

Men and women dressed like Tom Cruise in “Mission: Impossible” swarming the Scientology Center on Hollywood Boulevard

Weather

Four seasons, including two months of deadly humidity

Never too hot or too cold, but so much smog that on a “clear” day from the top of the Getty you can seeā€¦almost a mile.

Example of
L
ocal Culture

World-class music, dance, opera, live performance, museums, cabaret, & jazz.

Jamie Lee Curtis eating an Activia yogurt

Fashion

New York Fashion Week & Vogue Magazine

Trucker Hats & Rachel Zoe

Biggest Embarassment

Donald Trump

OJ Simpson

Mascot

Liza Minnelli

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Place You Go To Relax

Central Park

Promises Malibu

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Let’s Have A Kiki – Scissor Sisters Crossover with Pee-wee’s Playhouse

I made a video!  Please watch and share and LIKE it if you like it.  

 

 

 

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Oprah Winfrey Delivers Message To 40% of The People of North Carolina

THE BELOVED OPRAH WINFREY DELIVERS MESSAGE OF PEACE AND COMPASSION TO 40% OF NORTH CAROLINA

Chicago, IL – First Church of O, The Oprah Religion: Oprah Winfrey delivered a message of peace to the people of North Carolina, on the occasion of  the state becoming the 31st in the nation to constitutionally forbid same-sex marriage.  She appeared this past Wednesday at the Holy High Church of O, located on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile between Burberry and Sak’s Fifth Avenue.

Descending without visible means of support from the ceiling to the pulpit of Her church, Oprah made a truly heavenly vision, wearing drapey white silk jersey knit robes, Christian Louboutin metallic snake t-strap pumps, and chunky golden accessories by Alexis Bittar.  

“People of Earth,” She intoned, “I bring you glad tidings of great joy!  I have returned to television with my new program, Oprah’s Next Chapter.”  The crowd before Her moaned in ecstasy.  Oprah added, “But other news that is not about Me saddens Me greatly, and therefore shall sadden thee.  For so it has come to pass that the people of North Carolina have passed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.  To the 60% who supported the amendment, I say unto thee, ‘You people are ridiculous.  You’re 31st in line – you are even behind the times on being behind the times!  But as it is written in the Book of Oprah – ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged,’ so I shalt obey the Holy Commandments of Me and not judge them any further, for what wisdom is more wise that the wisdom of Me?”

“None such as yours!” the crowd roared back in unison. “Peas be upon you!” 

“And upon thee,” Oprah answered, and continued, “Unto those 40% who voted against the amendment, I say unto thee, ‘Come hither unto mine heavenly bosom! Come to the great city of Chicago! From here it’s just a short flight to New York City, where gay marriage is legal and smoking indoors is outlawed.  See how it works?”     

With a flourish of unseen trumpets, a flurry of red birds flew out out from underneath Oprah’s robes, each carrying a tiny Tiffany’s gift bag in its beak to deliver to the audience members, as Oprah Herself vanished skyward in a beam of heavenly light.  

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/pressroom/OPRAH WINFREY DELIVERS MESSAGE OF PEACE AND COMPASSION#ixzz1uTOjtcU9

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OWN Announces Original Programming, Including 6 New Series and 4 Series Renewals

Original Content  |  April 14, 2011

 New York, NY— OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network announced today new original programming coming to OWN including four series pick ups and six new series totaling over 60 hours of television each day.

“After four months on the air it’s great to be able to renew series that connected with our audience, and to cancel the shit that bored them,” said Christina Norman, chief executive officer, OWN. “Our new shows will continue to bring viewers more compelling characters sharing their real life journeys that entertain, engage and inspire them to purchase the products featured by our advertisers, such as Proctor and Gamble’s Olay Regenerist Night Recovery Cream.” 

“We’re excited to give our audience more of what they love – Oprah Winfrey – along with new series that are fun and relatable and have Oprah in them,” said Lisa Erspamer, chief creative officer, OWN. “We guarantee each new show will get viewers talking, even when they are alone.”

Joining the previously announced pick up of Oprah’s America with Lisa Ling are six more episodes of Ask Oprah’s All Stars, six episodes of Not Enough Oprah Already! With Peter Walsh, six episodes of In Oprah’s Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman and eight episodes of Oprah Presents Oprah’s Master Class On Oprah.

The six new series include Confronting With Lisa Ling & Gayle King…I Owe You My LifeOprah Winfrey!, Dancing With Oprah WinfreyMy Mom and Me & Oprah Makes ThreeSweetie Pies For Oprah and Unfaithful to the O: Stories of Betrayal.

Brief synopses of the series being announced today follow:

Confronting With Lisa Ling & Gayle King
This provocative series documents the powerful and sometimes painful mediation process in which victims and offenders come together in the hopes of achieving closure through the cheerful help of perky mediators Lisa Ling and Gayle King. Currently available in 48 states and illegal in Kentucky and Alaska, mediation programs offer the possibility of catharsis, relief and, at their best, forgiveness. OWN Mediation with with Lisa and Gayle goes one step better and gives each participant a makeover, bra fitting, and a gift bag that’s theirs to take home.  In each episode, Lisa and Gayle follow the real life process of both victim and offender as they prepare to confront each other, face to face, for the most important conversation of their lives, followed by the makeover of their dreams. Produced by Relativity Real. 

I Owe You My Life, Oprah Winfrey
TV makes it look easy. Writers know how to make their characters brave in the face of unspeakable dangers, determined when the odds are against them, and focused and virtuous when temptations abound. What about real people? What makes us heroic when we are inspired by Oprah?  What makes Oprah Supreme Ruler of All Things?  These and many more questions will be posed in I Owe You My Life, Oprah Winfrey. The nature of being a hero involves a multi-layered, complex set of circumstances, so only true heroes can even begin to feel one small piece of what it’s like to be the Blessed Goddess Oprah Winfrey, able to make the seas rise and fall with the flick of Her mighty finger.  This series will delve into the dramatic stories of everyday people from every corner of the world who take risky, even death-defying actions to protect others and right wrongs, all in the name of their Lord and Savior, Oprah Winfrey. Produced by Skip Film. 

Dancing With Oprah Winfrey
The much-vaunted talk show host and Creator of all living things has commissioned choreographer Louie Spence to breathe new life into the trend started by “Dancing With the Stars” and “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” on the Starz channel.  In Dancing With Oprah Winfrey, stars from John Travolta to Brad Pitt to Kirstie Alley will engage in a real life fight-to-the death in a full scale Coliseum, dismembering and possibly disrobing their opponents with their choice of weaponry for the chance to touch and dance with the living deity Oprah Winfrey for a full song of approximately three minutes in length, at the conclusion of which they will be allowed to give Oprah one brief hug.  Oprah will use Her holy powers to resurrect the fallen stars, for whoever believes in Oprah shall not perish, but have eternal life.   However, the losers will not get to touch Oprah. 

My Mom and Me and Oprah Makes Three
The mother-daughter dynamic can be more than a little tricky—so how much trickier does it become when kid has to play parent, and then Oprah Winfrey moves in for the weekend? My Mom and Me & Oprah Makes Three examines unusual mom-daughter-Oprah relationships in which “normal boundaries” are challenged. Intimate, heart-warming, disturbing, unpleasant, creamy, tedious, irrelevant, smelly, sticky, and at times shocking, the series features mothers and daughters and Oprah opening up about their atypical relationships and, with the help of a therapist, spending a weekend with Oprah Winfrey as their houseguest, while tackling their deep-rooted issues, like why Oprah didn’t get a clean guest soap in the bathroom, and why there was a hair on the soap that was in the bathroom, and other problems Oprah had with the bathroom. Produced by Firecracker Films.

Sweetie Pies For Oprah
When Robbie Montgomery, a 1960s backup singer and former Ikette, suffered a collapsed lung and had to stop singing, she decided to pour her talents into another creative venture—a soul food restaurant dedicated exclusively to serving Oprah Winfrey, located inside Oprah’s apartment in Chicago. At her family- and Oprah-oriented eatery, Sweetie Pies, both hilarity and drama and Oprah Winfrey are offered in equal measure—and now Robbie’s upping the ante with a second location outside Oprah’s apartment, which will allow members of the public to eat food just like the food the real Oprah Winfrey eats. This docu-series follows the loud, loving and often singing Montgomery family as they work to expand their empire, one soulful dish at a time, and the beaming smiles of Oprah’s followers as they taste the sweet ambrosial ecstasy of communion through food with their Lord and Savior’s favorite soul food chef. Produced by Pilgrim Films &#amp; Television.

Unfaithful To The O: Stories of Betrayal
This compelling series features couples that have suffered and survived infidelity to Oprah Winfrey. In each episode, couples share their deeply personal stories of the heartbreak they experienced when they chose to go against the Word of their Lord Oprah, while a priest provides perspective and advice on penance.  Revealing and surprisingly uplifting, the series illustrates how Oprah’s love for you can endure even the darkest times, whether you like it or not. Produced by True Entertainment.

About OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network
A joint venture between Harpo, Inc. and Discovery Communications, OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network is a multi-platform media company designed to entertain, inform, conform, convince, and inspire people to live their best lives and to follow the word of their Lord and Savior, Oprah Winfrey. 

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OPRAH WINFREY OPENS CHURCH, FOUNDS RELIGION, FOOLS CHRISTIANS EVERYWHERE

I haven’t been updating, as you can probably tell, but I had to stop back in for the below item that you old readers might find funny: a website in Western Ghana plagiarized my fake Oprah Winfrey press release from 2005 and copied it as an actual news item.  

Since Christians already believe in ridiculous things like walking on water, they apparently did not find Oprah flying in a chariot to be beyond belief, and instead have commented over 500 times calling on the mighty Oprah to repent.  In their defense, a few commenters express mild skepticism before they start quoting the Bible – to be on the safe side.

http://westerngh.com/2010/04/oprah-winfrey-opens-church-founds-religion/

One woman threatened to burn her 5 year collection of O, The Oprah Magazine in protest.

Once it became “news,” other people took it as fact, and now if you Google “Oprah Winfrey Opens Church” in quotes you get almost 6,000 items!  I like this next one, although the person must have realized it was fake because I can only find the cached version – the real one was taken down: http://preview.tinyurl.com/3m97mdm

He basically plagiarized my bit but then stuck in the Bible verses that I was making fun of to prove that I was making fun of the Bible.  Umm, yeah, you got me, dude – sort of.  

That is all.

-Davis

 

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