My First Dream

I had my first dream about my mom just before I woke up this morning.  I dreamed I was in the kitchen at home in Minnesota and there were some people over visiting us. One of the guests was near the sink and, noticing this, my mother asked, “Oh, do you want a glass of water?” and went to fill a glass. Like usual I couldn’t really see anyone’s face, but I could see a white cable knit sweater my mom was wearing. I was just on the edge of waking up and I realized that when she’d spoken it was the first time I’d heard her voice since she died, so I reached out to touch the sleeve of her sweater. I touched it – and I swear I could feel it – and I tried to say “Mom,” but that’s when I woke up.

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Never Let Them See You Sweat


Never let them smell your fear.

Never let them hear your breathing as you hide under the bed, hoping against hope that they won’t check underneath, they’ll just take the TV and GO, just GO, get out of here, let me live please please please please please.

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Take this simple quiz to find out YOUR character!

Complete the following sentence:
I am ____:
A) Crazy
B) Socially Awkward
C) A slut

If you answered A, you are BABE
If you answered B, you are LENNY
If you answered C, you are MEG

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“I think that yogurt will solve all my problems!” he exclaimed silently to himself as the commercial played on TV.

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Anjem-Choudary-1“We both decided during his fitting yesterday that he should wear it up,” says hair guru Peter Butler, “but that’s as much direction as Anjem gives me.” And after 12 years working together with the social and political activist, it’s as much input Butler needs to know exactly what works for the obese militant Islamic preacher.

So it’s no surprise that the stylist created another winning look for Anjem Choudary at Sunday’s Charlie Hebdo massacre counter-protest, opting for a brownish green beanie, with a moderately trimmed salt-and-pepper beard framing the face. The sophisticated style not only hides the fat rolls of his neck, but also draws attention away from his massively bulging stomach. He finished the look with a pair of very comfortable looking nurse shoes in black polystyrene.

To create Anjem’s style, Butler blow-dried his beard with Vidal Sassoon Pro Series Boost & Lifting Foam Air Mousse for hold, then curled hair in sections. Next, Butler made a low ponytail and twisted sections of strands around the base in a clockwise manner in “a pretzel-like shape,” he says, securing the look with a few large bobby pins.

Using Vidal Sassoon Pro Series Flexible Hold Hairspray, Butler set the look in place, and then covered the softly pretty feminine hairstyle entirely with a beanie to hide it from the sight of Allah, “Because Anjem believes there is an invisible deity in the sky who dictates what kind of headgear Anjem is allowed to wear, what kinds of food he can eat, and what kinds of cartoons people are allowed to draw, among other things,” says Butler. “Otherwise he’ll murder them.”

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Let’s Put Bacon On Fucking Everything

The talk of the lunchroom today was that one of the desserts was a chocolate-covered bacon-wrapped cheese-filled fig. Thankfully as a vegetarian I was not expected to eat one, but from the sound of it, everyone else had to try it because bacon.

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Miss Kirstie Call Jenny – Again!


“Kirstie moves over to stand near the entryway to the room, carefully posing herself, one foot in front of the other, slightly crossed, and with her fingers carefully splayed on her hips.”

The above is a line from my story from 2007, “Flag Day With Kirstie Allie (Part Three): Flag Day 2007,” and above that is present-day Kirstie Alley, who is doing the same darn thing she’s been doing since 2007: gaining weight with Scientology, losing weight with Jenny Craig and then splaying her fingers on her hips like a slatternly librarian.

She went on the Today show to tell the viewers “this time it’s different.” Umm, it totally looks the same.

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