Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey today celebrated the opening of her first church and the founding of her new religion, titled O, The Oprah Religion. The multi-tasking Oprah will serve as pontiff and deity for both.
“Expanding on Her enormously successful enterprises in television, film, the web, and Her magazine, Oprah Winfrey brings Her positive, motivational spirit to one of the most highly anticipated new religions since Scientology,” explained spokesperson and new Archbishop for the church, Gayle King, in a press conference in Chicago today.
“O, The Oprah Religion gives confident, smart women the tools they need to explore and reach for their dreams, to express their individual style, and to make choices that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling afterlife.”
“In addition, we’ve eliminated the regressive prohibitions – such as those against shrimp, clothing made of mixed fibers, and premarital sex – that older, outmoded religions still cling to, but which no longer fit in with the lifestyles of their congregations. In fact, Oprah loves to share a shrimp cocktail with her live-in life partner while wearing stretch-wool slacks! Now, with O, The Oprah Religion, you can do the same, and without the threat of everlasting damnation!”
King went on, “O, The Oprah Religion, has all the comforts of a traditional belief system, but combined with the uplifting spirit of Oprah, so that anyone from a religious background will still feel at home when they convert the new traditions of O, The Oprah Religion.”
“For example, instead of a spring fertility festival like Easter or Passover, with O, The Oprah Religion, you’ll celebrate the abundance of Oprah with Her spring holiday Oprah’s Favorite Things, which is observed during the second week of spring sweeps. During this holiday, believers smear the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb on their television, and in the middle of the day the Holy Spirit of Oprah visits all supplicants and showers them with cashmere pajamas, gourmet chocolates, and Gladware”
“It doesn’t stop there!” added Archbishop King. “The Catholic tradition of confession has been incorporated into O, The Oprah Religion, but with a twist: confession occurs just once per lifetime, is syndicated nationally, and is officiated over by Oprah herself. Since Oprah serves as both pontiff and God in human form, penance is unnecessary, forgiveness is guaranteed, and it’s all done without the use of an intercessor! Verily I say unto thee: O, The Oprah Religion empowers all women with the tools for their own salvation! Praise be!”
Though Winfrey herself officiated over the opening ceremonies for the First Church Of Oprah, Savior, located on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, O, The Oprah Religion does not require or even encourage Church attendance. Instead, believers are urged to stay home and watch services on their televisions. Regular broadcasts will be held every weekday at 11am. An additional service is planned for the most devout, to be called Oprah, After The Service.
Following her introductory remarks, Archbishop King spread her hands to the heavens, and Oprah herself appeared in the sky overhead, swathed in blindingly white robes and a pair of black leather knee-high boots with stiletto heels. Before Her, a mixed crowd of pre- and post-menopausal women shrieked in excitement, weeping openly at the heavenly vision. Several attendees were so overcome that they collapsed in pools of their own urine.
“Blessed are all who come before Me,” intoned Oprah after floating down to the podium, “and Blessed are all women who come to terms with things! Blessed also is this interesting hand-carved pepper mill; it is one of My Favorite Things! There’s one in each of your gift bags!”
With a flourish of trumpets from an unseen orchestra, production assistants scurried through the crowd, handing out gift bags to all and dispensing Egyptian cotton towels to the women who had wet themselves.
“Blessed is My church, enter ye now and view My services on the giant screen flat-panel Sony television within!” Continued Oprah, “Look within yourself, for you can overcome all obstacles when you believeth in yourself! Look also within your gift bag, as you all get a certificate for a free flat-panel Sony television of thine own!”
With a gesture from Her hands, the doors to the church swept open, and the crowds rushed forth to enter the church as an ivory chariot descended from the sky, whisking Oprah away to her apartment.
“Peace be with you! Praise be to Me!” she yelled as she drove out of sight.
In addition to Oprah’s Favorite Things, other holidays planned for the religion include The Feast Of The Assumption Of Maya Angelou, celebrated each summer with a poetry reading and live bird release, and the month-long Stedmanadon in the fall. Following similar marketing plans by the Kabbalah Center, a line of scented candles in the works, tentatively titled O, The Oprah-scented Candle, though plans for bottled water have been cancelled due to legal problems with Cirque Du Soleil.
That is all.
One of the funniest/scariest things I’ve ever read. Honestly, it COULD happen, and we, your loyal readers, will understand the powers of the McDavis Prophecy. Did you use a crystal ball? Tarot? Stack of gift certificates and scented candles?
Funny, but quit resting on your laurels. There are some of us that desperately need a daily update.
The follow-up video is here, kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JT6w6k3vwuw
IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE OR WHAT? HAS OPRAH TAKEN UP RESIDENCE IN THE LOONEY BIN???????
this is absolutely ridiculous. she needs to go to a crazy hospital, sure its entertaining, but seriously? shes gone insane.
Unbelievable. Almost sounds like an April Fool’s joke…
We are working on a voice-over, in which we will read from this Doctrine, and annunciate so it can be edited to anyone’s liking. By “we,” we are of course referring to me, and the mouse in my pocket.
Yay! Hurray for you and your mouse!
I pray that God will have mercery on her. My beliefs is that she don’t have a clue what she’s doing!!!
buddy_mcwilliam: What an absurd statement! Since Oprah IS God, She will clearly have mercy on Herself.
she’s book a ticket to hell,and she bought tickets for her followers,she still think she’s God.Come on,u’re on tv,u don even knw me,and u call urself god?
She should not be first that claimed to be god, so she should not be the last,she and the likes of her know that God the most high exist and there will be a day that they will account for their deeds. let me ask what are the qualities of being a god?.
She should not be first that claimed to be god, so she should not be the last,she and the likes of her know that God the most high exist and there will be a day that they will account for their deeds. let me ask what are the qualities of being a god?.
Well, I’d say you’d have to be pretty self-centered to be a god. Able to project your image across vast distances instantly, for another. I’d also say that one of the qualities should be the ability to give miraculous presents, like cars or fish.
what is the world turning into??? Honestly Opera thinks money can buy anything, even a church. She’s gone crzyyyyyyy
Go oprah!lol
blasphemy, o my my oprah nids a doctor, shes a physc God pls 4giv
Oprah is an agent of the Antichrist. Many of the American idols are agents of the Antichrist. Many Americans will not see anything worng in a human being calling herself god. They have rejected Christ. They will accept the antichrist, his prophet and their master Lucifer. They will take the mark of the beast, persecute the true Christians, until the face the judgment of God on the other side of eternity. But God will reveal Himself to a remnant, who will stand form in the true Word of God to the end. By the way, please check the website, spiritlessons.com, read the testimony of Angelica Elizabeth Zambrano. You will read and know where Michael Jackson is spending eternity.
Why am I not surprised?! Oprah’s nothing more than a successful businesswoman. And she has chosen the right country to launch her new religion——–the US of A!! There won’t be any shortage of converts to ‘O’! Wasn’t it P T Barnum who famously said that every minute a sucker is born? And there are suckers aplenty in Uncle Sam’s country!
Christians, I mean real christians around the world would be reading this article in serious disbelief here is a church that accomodates satan himself oh boy is the devil happy. Woe betide Oprah for misleading people to their graves- what happens when the last trumpet sounds I fear and feel pity for whoever joins this evil joke of a so called church. God’s wrath shall descend unmingled in this cup manufactured by Oprah, where religion is concerned please Oprah stay clear for you really dont know the power of GOD. Lord have mercy on the poor followers whence they are going they know not.
where is the world headed to, what i thought of her is not what i think of her now My God forgive her for she does not know what she is doing.janet
this is simply absurd! i dont even know how anyone claiming to believe in the everlasting God can have the courage to manipulate the word of god to fit their own societal belief. a typical case of situational ethics. pre-marital sex and some other things are and always will be sins no matter how they are framed. God was not a Psycho when he gave the commandments. he knew what would become of the world. that is why there is a place called hell.
Oprah, you know that calling yourself a god(with small g) is satanic, the devil will destroy you after using you and what a waist of time, money and life. You have had all the money and you want to retire into hell? You can never ever take up the suprimance of God ( with a capital G). Turn to God before its too late for you, you will remember all the people are telling you now while in hell.
O God have mercy on your people and deliver us from the spirit of the anti-christ.I believe that oprah is operating with the spirit of the anti-christ. The work of the anti-christ is to deceive and make people deviate from following the true God(JEHOVAH). They (anti-christ) proclame themselves to be god. Their aim is to get as much people to beleive and worship them so as to displease God. Remember Man was created to please God. I dont mean to pass judgement on anyone, but I beleive oprah winfrey has committed the unpardonable sin and is henceforth not worthy of forgiveness. I pity her followers, may God have mercy on them, Amen.
Oprah, May Be You Have Touched the ceiling of your own universe maximum you will reach is the ceiling of your own hall; I am Really sorry About You Youare a digrace for all black people; a digrace to OBAMA Himself Be Cool Shall I Send You an Ice From GreenLand?Antex
Oprah repent before its too late, Christ second coming is near. You are blasphemous against the Most High God. You are heading to helm oprah and you will rot in the bottomless pit!!! Shame on you. This is pure satanic!!!!!!!
She has hit the last nail in the coffin to confirm how far has the West distanced itself from Christ. The problem with Westerners is they think having money and all life’s necessitie is all there is to life. Jesus asked his followers of what it will profit one to posses the whole world and all its riches but end up in hell. It is time for Westerners to reflect on what has struck you. It is also time for us in Africa to take the gospel back to where it came from.
OPRAH IS BRING DAMNATION UPON HERSELF. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER HEAD? IS HER WEALTH MAKING HER GO CRAZY? CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! SHE IS FINISHED NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF HER AGAIN. WHO DOES SHE THINKS SHE IS? DOESN’T SHE KNOW THAT IT IS GOD WHO HAS MADE HER WHAT SHE IS, AND INSTEAD OF GIVING ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO HIM, SHE HOW SHE IS BLASPHEMING AND GOING TO LEAD PEOPLE ASTRAY.IRENE
*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha{inhale}pwakakakakakakaka,hihihihihih,hehehehehehehe…!!!
cashmere pyjamas & chocolate,really Oprah??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!c’mon guys!!lets be serious!!!this is insane!disgusting actually!!
HOLY COW!!! Pun intended.
HOLY COW! Pun intended.
What did she smoke so she did this stupid thingaw phooey!
Dear Oprah,We respected you for your work and support to many people but now IT IS OVER because you can never be my God nor be a God to my Children and Family. You have clearly lost it and your money has blinded you. If you do have a true bible, please read ISAIAH 44 from Verse 6 which briefly says: “Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel, And his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: “I am the First and I am the Last; Besides Me there is no God. And who can proclaim as I do? .. continue reading until the end of the chapter. Of interest to those who also worship idols e.g rosary s and Saints, they should know that the only Holy and True God has said that we should only pray to Him through His Son Jesus Christ and they are wasting their time praying through the Rosary and Mary. No offense, all this is clearly stated in this Chapter. Read, understand and open your eyes. It does not matter how long a certain type of Church has been in practice, their ways or worship are what one should query. Can spmeone out there tell me what image means to you, if a Rosary is not an image, what is? Just wondering…..Oprah has also clearly joined the club.
Indirectly you a blasphemy OBAMA……………….. Leave HIM along to run the appfairs of the world not you Oprah runing this world. just just another woman self covicting to be as like creator above.BUT you are creator by GOD the creator of this universe.. Worship the Lord God that created you. not the created being.
oprah you ve just signed a certificate of eternal condemnation!but just remember our GOD,the GREAT I AM is forever merciful to forgive you even with all that high level of blasphemy.whatever you ve just done its evil EVIL
the world is really coming to an end. the signs of the end-time are so obvious and glaring. this is an example. as christians, it will make us stronger in our chistian race. however, it is so unfortunate that Oprah is the one being used by the devil. it’s really a shame and i pray she realises it FAST.
omg she should go to a crazy hospital.who does she think she is ? just because she is rich does not mean she is GOD ,who gave her the right to say I quote “peace be with you and praise be to me ” {to her goldigging followers that is }
May the Lord have mercy on us, and our children. what a pity! Oprah lived a full life, admired by most people as a role model, only to spend eternity in hell? She got drunk with God’s blessing upon her, and has focused on the blessings forgetting where they came from. its a lesson for all of us so that we may focus on the giver of life and all that we have. Our God is a merciful God, but the Bible says there is no forgiveness if you sin against the Holy Spirit of God! Lord have mercy on her and her followers
to think that she now has a holy spirit that visits her members is most ridiculous. i really pity Jesus Christ because even with this, He still loves her and wishes she repents. heaven and hell are real and until people get this revelation, they wont live as if every day was their last.i pray the eyes of those women that follow her will be open by God to see the path they are about to tread. Lord have mercy on the world.
IF SHE IS GOD.DOES SHE KNOW MY BIGGEST FEAR??????DOES SHE KNOW WHAT MIRACLE I HAVE BEEN ASKING GOD TO HAPPEN FOR ME FOR AWHILE??????………..YO GOING DOWN ALREADY OPRAH!!!1
@RACHEAL – You fear lower-case letters.
@bathabile – I know, right? It’s weird that She would say something that sounds almost exactly the same as the end of “A Visit From St. Nick.” But it’s written right there in pink and white, so it must be true.
In Matthew 24,it said these things will happen,many will come in God’s name and claim they are the messiah,Oprah has blasphemed against God,we,christians, shouldn’t be deceived as to believe such things.
God cannot be mocked!! Gal 6:7: It’s only Christ himself who can save her now..She’s headed to eternal damnation dragging along her dim-witted followers.. God have mercy! What an abomination!? What a blasphemy!!
God cannot be mocked!! Gal 6:7: It’s only Christ himself who can save her now..She’s headed to eternal damnation dragging along her dim-witted followers.. God have mercy! What an abomination!? What a blasphemy!!
God cannot be mocked!! Gal 6:7: It’s only Christ himself who can save her now..She’s headed to eternal damnation dragging along her dim-witted followers.. God have mercy! What an abomination!? What a blasphemy!!
@HKibwatts – The thing is, it’s Jesus’ followers that are dim-witted. You should know that.
I can’t remember when last I read something as STUPID as this.she is soooooooo stupid!how can she even think about it?is she mad?God…is α̲̅ G̶̲̥̅̊ΘΘD̸̸̮̮̃ God that’s why he would always forgive.cos after all d money he gave to u,u still have the guts,to say rubbish.ΰ ДЯε stupid oprah.α̲̅πϑ I ll always think of u as stupid.
Oprah, been prayin to you five times a day here. . . where’s the million bucks I prayed for?What’s that? Oh I give you two million first, and then you’re going to give me a million? Oh thank you thank you thank you! What a miracle! Oprah’s gonna give me a million bucks.
This is pitiful. And to think people will fall for all of it… when you don’t live and do the Commandments of Our Creator God, there are no limits to which you will sink… If people didn’t go for this type of insanity, Op rah would have never started it. But sad to say, there are probably thousands if not millions who will actually think she really is god. I couldn’t believe it when I saw where she started her own church, teaches the occult on the internet, and does many other things to the detriment of her fellow human beings. She had better think again about accepting praise from people before she is like Herod (in the Real Bible, KJV). Please read about it in The King James Version of the Bible: Acts 12: verses 21, 22 & 23. Take note in verse 23, that as Herod did not tell the people not to worship him, a (Real & Holy) Angel of the Lord [Jesus Christ] immediately smote him with worms, “because he gave not God the glory”. (The Creator God is the ONLY ONE that deserves and is entitled to our worship!) The worms ate him from the inside out, right then and there, and they had to take him away, scream ing from the pain inside of him, after which he died a horrible death! This is THE ONLY TRUTH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, as written in His Story (Get it?? History. Life is NOT about you alone. This is His Story, and He will/has already, won the Controversy between Good and Evil.), in The Bible. There is NO OTHER God beside Him. You had better be careful Op rah. If you don’t give it up and Truly Repent, you may wind up like Herod. Or worse… What a HUGE waste of the life Jesus Himself is giving you every day! Get out before it’s forever too late! The Angels are steadily writing everything you do and say…